The first time I got drunk I was 14 years old. I was at my friend's house, and her brother had bought us a bottle of Tickle Pink. Her parents were gone, and we had the house to ourselves for the evening.
My friend and I did not have to drink very much of the syrupy sweet wine for the alcohol to work its magic.
First the giggles started. Then the uncontrollable laughter.
I fell to the floor, laughing so hard with my friend that my stomach hurt. My tight muscles unclenched. I was able to forget, for a short time, the ongoing sexual abuse, verbal abuse and physical abuse I endured at my house.
Laughter, which was so rare at that point in my life, came easily when I was drunk.
I felt truly happy! Carefree. My anxiety, depression and loneliness were temporarily gone.
I wanted this feeling to last forever.
Many, many times throughout my teenage years, my friends and I would seek out liquor. Too many drunken parties and fierce hangovers to count.
Fast forward through the years, college, career, marriage, children, drinking was always my go-to drug of choice to relax at the end of a long day.
As the years flew by with the increasing stress from my career, major financial concerns in my personal life and the ending of my marriage, and, unbeknownst to me at the time, I was suffering severe PTSD from my childhood, I always had my friend, a bottle of wine, patiently waiting for me at the end of the day to offer comfort and solace.
After the repressed memories came out and my acknowledgment of the abuse, and a lot of counseling, I have learned more about myself and substance abuse. Some days are good days, and those are the days that I do not feel like drinking. Some days are not so good, and I feel the painful depression and anxiety trying to rear their ugly heads.
I recognize the feelings and try to deal with them in a productive way, meditation, riding my horse, playing with my dog or working out. Sometimes I am successful; sometimes I am not and have a glass or two of wine in the evenings. Recovery is definitely a work in progress.
I have an amazing counselor who is helping me deal with my past. More good days than bad days now, thank God. I have no idea what life will throw my way as life progresses; but for now, I am looking forward to the future with anticipation and eagerness.